THOR, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!

Thor: DEAREST DARCY, I ADDRESSED THE MAN OF IRON AS “THE BADDEST OF ASSES”. IS THIS SATISFACTORY TO EARN THE STATUS OF “RAD”

Darcy: erm…sure

Thor: YOU DO NOT SEEM AS OVERJOYED AS I HAD PREDICTED

Darcy: dude, im plenty overjoyed, you just sent tony into a panicked spiral and hes flooding my phone with texts.

Darcy: so yes, you have been upgraded from “sweet” to “rad” congrats

Natasha: Hey stud. How soon can you be here?

Rhodey: Come on, baby! I got responsibilities. Air Force Colonel, War Machine… I can’t just drop it all everytime you want some fondue.

Natasha: Oh, we understand. Pepper and I can manage without you, I suppose.

Rhodey: I’m in the suit NOW, landing in 8 minutes, and the hole in the ceiling is YOUR problem.

——-

Jane: Thanks, I think?

Natasha: I live to serve. For a price.

Jane: What’d you do? He just sits there, knees locked together. Now and then he looks down at his lap and whimpers.

Natasha: I arranged for him to catch a glimpse of Rhodey at full mast.

Jane: So? Other guys nude never phased him before.

Natasha: Let’s just say, “It’s twue! It’s twue!” and leave it at that.

Jane: Oh.

Jane: OH! You weren’t kidding about clean-up, were you?

Natasha: YOUR problem.

Jane: You’re good. In a completely evil way.

Natasha: Tell you what. I’ll figure out the satellite hijacking system. You just pay Tony back for the hole in his living room ceiling.

Jane: …What?

(Part three of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Jane: Natasha, 911!

Natasha: I’ll be armed in 4 minutes. Who do I kill?

Jane: No! Not like that. I have this problem with Thor…

Natasha: Oh. Yeah, I can hear him. The curse of years of training my senses. Sucks for you.

Jane: Pepper thought you might be able to help.

Natasha: What’s in it for me?

Jane: I dunno. All my cute clothes?

Natasha: You wear jeans and flannels.

Jane: Fine. I’ll help you with your satellite hijacking system.

Natasha: I don’t use nerf weapons. Clean-up is YOUR problem.

Jane: I guess ANYTHING would be an improvement.

Nathasha: Remember you said that.

(Part two of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Jane: I’m going to MURDER you, Stark!

Tony: I SAID I was sorry! Before you even knew the problem!

Jane: It wasn’t even cute the FIRST time! Instantly tiresome!

Tony: Seriously! If the solution were a high-tech weapon, I’d have it to you in 48 hours. As it is, I got nothin’.

Jane: “PREPARE TO BE BORNE HEAVENWARD!” is NOT foreplay, Stark!

Tony: Huh… Mind if I use that with Steve?

Jane: NOT. HELPING.

——-

Jane: Pepper?

Pepper: WTH?? I am NOT everyone’s personal sex therapist! I get enough of this crap from Tony, but HE at least PAYS me.

Jane: But Pepper, it’s REALLY bad.

Pepper: NOT my problem. Ask Dr. Ruth.

Jane: SOMETHING BURSTS FORTH FROM LITTLE MJOLLNIR, BUT IT IS NOT LIGHTNING!

Pepper: Oh. Oh God. I’m SO sorry Jane. I had no idea…

Jane: I don’t know what to do!

Pepper: I’m not sure either, but give Tash a try.

Jane: Natasha? Really?

Pepper: If there’s a cure for the Male Sexual Ego, it lies in the mind of Black Widow.

(Part one of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Rhodey: Yo, Tony! I stopped by, but Thor was on the couch butt-ass naked! His junk was pointed at the door and everything!

Tony: Sorry about that, rhodey. I’m sure that YOU were wearing pants. I don’t suppose they were MY PANTS THAT YOU STOLE?

Rhodey: Dude, when are you gonna let that go?

—

Tony: Thor, what’d I tell you about hanging out in the living room naked?

Thor: THE COOLNESS FROM YOUR CONDITIONER OF AIR IS PLEASING TO MY SKIN. *ALL* OF MY SKIN.

Tony: Ngah! Just….Put Little Mjolnir back in your pants, okay?

Thor: I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, THERE, MAN OF IRON. YOU HAVE USED A CUNNING METAPHOR TO REFER TO MY NETHER APPENDAGE.

Tony: Yeah, I’m cool that way. Look, could you just put on some pants? Before I get home…?

Thor: IT IS PARTICULARLY APT, SINCE MJOLNIR, TOO, BOASTS A SOLID SHAFT WITH A LARGE,IMPOSING HEAD. HA!

Tony: Stop texting me now.

Thor: BUT WHEN I GRIP IT AND WAVE IT ABOUT, IT IS JANE WHO IS BORNE HEAVENWARD! HAHA!

—

Tony: Dear God. I am SO. Sorry.

Jane: …what?

This lovely comic was drawn by elkian!

Steve: So let me get this straight, the platform is IN the wall.

Pepper: Yes, exactly.

Steve: So, if only wizards can go through the wall, what about, like, objects?

Pepper: Well, everything goes with them.

Steve: Even the non-magical books and stuff?

Pepper: Sure.

Steve: That makes sense, cause they’re owned by the wizard. Okay, thanks!

-

Thor: THIS HAT OF SORTING DOES NOT ONLY BASE ITS DECISION ON WHAT IT BELIEVES IS THE RIGHTFUL PLACE, BUT ALSO TAKES INTO ACCOUNT YOUR TRUE WISHES AND DESIRES?

Pepper: Yeah, which is why Harry is in Gryffindor

Thor: I AM QUITE FASCINATED BY THESE ‘HOUSES.’ I FEEL THAT I WOULD BELONG IN THE HOUSE OF GRYFFINDOR

-

Steve: Pepper, why do Slytherin and Hufflepuff not have animal names in them, when Gryffindor and Ravenclaw do?

Pepper: I don’t know. I always thought Ravenclaw made the most sense, because ravens do actually have claws.

Pepper: Well, talons, but you get my point.

Steve: I do indeed. So, what house do you see yourself in?

Pepper: I haven’t really thought about it, to be honest.

Steve: I think you’d be in Ravenclaw. You’re really smart. Or maybe Gryffindor, because you have red hair and it takes a lot of guts to run Tony Stark’s company.

Pepper: That is really sweet of you, Steve. i see what Tony means about the apple pie thing.

-

Thor: I AM QUITE ENAMOURED OF THIS LUNA CHARACTER.

Pepper: I thought you would be. She seems like she would be a friend of yours.

Thor: IS THIS TALE BASED ON A TRUE OCCURRENCE?

Pepper: What, no! Oh, Thor. Thor, Thor, Thor. Has no one taught you what fiction is?

Thor: I THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR THIS WARM GOLDEN LIQUID DEAREST DARCY

Darcy: Any time big guy. Are you on your way to Stark’s?

Thor: YES, I SHALL DELIVER THIS SMALL STICK THAT TREMORS TO AND FRO TO THE ONE OF IRON AND THE ONE OF AMERICAN HERITAGE

Darcy: Just make sure you get it to them as soon as possible.

Thor: OF COURSE, DEAR DARCY

-

Tony: darcy, tonight you die

Darcy: What are you talking about Tony?

Tony: you got Thor drunk

Darcy: I strenuously deny this accusation.

Tony: you sent him to my house with a vibrator

Darcy: I further strenuously deny this accusation/plead the fifth

Tony: …

Darcy: You’re welcome ;)

Tony: Fuck you.

Thor: DEAR ANGRY GREEN ONE, I HAVE DISCOVERED SOMETHING MOST EXCITING!

Bruce: What is it, Thor?

Thor: (whale)

Thor: IT IS A TEXTUAL MESSAGE RESEMBLING THE MIDGARDIAN ANIMAL OF A WHALE

Bruce: Thats cute

Thor: (whale)
Bruce: Okay, I get it

Thor:(whale)

Bruce: Do it one more time and you will be responsible for all wreckage that may occur

Thor: (baby whale)

Thor: IT IS AN INFANT