THOR, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!

Part 1 of ??? from the anonymous prompt “Pick-up lines!!!”

Steve:  Hey, Natasha. Can I run something by you?
Natasha:  Um. Depends. Is it legal?
Steve:  Of course it is! What kind of person do you think I am?
Natasha:  Oh yeah, apple pie and integrity and all that. Anyway, what do you need?
Steve:  Do you think this would work on Tony?
Natasha:  NO OH GOD I DO NOT WANT TO SEE A PICTURE OF YOUR STAR SPANGLED JUNK
Steve:  “Did it hurt?” then he’d say “what?” and I’d say “When you fell from heaven.”
Natasha:  oh steve. oh honey.
Natasha:  that was maybe worse than a dick pic
Steve:  What did I do wrong?
Steve:  And what the hell is a dick pic?
Natasha:  A better question would probably be what DIDN’T you do wrong
Natasha:  and trust me, you really don’t want to know

Tony: you fucking lead soldiers into battle, you should so be the leader of the avengers!

Steve: You are way more apt at the ways of today, and I really don’t need all the extra paperwork.

Tony: but you’re a SUPERSOLDIER.

Steve: But you’re a genius billionaire playboy philanthropist!

Tony: YOU ARE GENETICALLY ENGINEERED PERFECTION

Steve: YOU CAN WORK A TOASTER

Tony: touche.

Steve: Bruce, are you alright? I heard a bang from your lab.

Steve: bruce its tony you better be hurt or something because you’re interrupting very importent buisnes you get me

Bruce: I dont know where to put this what is going on

Steve: Bruce? You alright? Im coming up, hold on

Bruce: No you’re not going to help unless you magically happen to know where screw 1394 goes or where hinge b has disappeared to

Steve: I dont understand

Steve: tony here, are you putting together a desk from ikea?

Steve: There was another crash, did you hulk?

Bruce: 37ehsdhxg fkdj

Steve: yup. ikea.

Clint: hey, Jade Jaws, cap’s looking for you

Bruce: Yeah, Im trying to avoid him actually

Clint: ooooo didja get in troubleee?

Bruce: No

Bruce: Well

Bruce: Kind of?

Clint: Did you walk in on him and tony? cause then he just want to give you ‘the talk’ or whatever.

Bruce: No, thank god that didn’t happen. Adele jumped on me while I was reading and I almost hulked out Clint: Almost?

Bruce: I didn’t actually do it, but I accidentally flung the rabbit at the wall, she’s okay. Thor, not so much.

Clint: So, what, is cap trying to get you to apologize?

Bruce: I think…

Clint: Hide in Tasha’s room, tell her I sent you.

Darcy: How in the world did you do THAT?

Loki: I’m the Trickster. Did you imagine i’d do anything less?

Darcy: You fucking dyed everything in all of shield hq pink. why the fuck was I not in on this? we had a thing, man.

Loki: I was not aware you would enjoy taking part in something on such a large scale.

Darcy: im totally in this for the long haul, dude.

Darcy: unless you kill anything with four legs

Darcy: or touch my ipod

Darcy: then im sending your skinny ass back to wherever the fuck.

Natasha: Hey stud. How soon can you be here?

Rhodey: Come on, baby! I got responsibilities. Air Force Colonel, War Machine… I can’t just drop it all everytime you want some fondue.

Natasha: Oh, we understand. Pepper and I can manage without you, I suppose.

Rhodey: I’m in the suit NOW, landing in 8 minutes, and the hole in the ceiling is YOUR problem.

——-

Jane: Thanks, I think?

Natasha: I live to serve. For a price.

Jane: What’d you do? He just sits there, knees locked together. Now and then he looks down at his lap and whimpers.

Natasha: I arranged for him to catch a glimpse of Rhodey at full mast.

Jane: So? Other guys nude never phased him before.

Natasha: Let’s just say, “It’s twue! It’s twue!” and leave it at that.

Jane: Oh.

Jane: OH! You weren’t kidding about clean-up, were you?

Natasha: YOUR problem.

Jane: You’re good. In a completely evil way.

Natasha: Tell you what. I’ll figure out the satellite hijacking system. You just pay Tony back for the hole in his living room ceiling.

Jane: …What?

(Part three of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Jane: Natasha, 911!

Natasha: I’ll be armed in 4 minutes. Who do I kill?

Jane: No! Not like that. I have this problem with Thor…

Natasha: Oh. Yeah, I can hear him. The curse of years of training my senses. Sucks for you.

Jane: Pepper thought you might be able to help.

Natasha: What’s in it for me?

Jane: I dunno. All my cute clothes?

Natasha: You wear jeans and flannels.

Jane: Fine. I’ll help you with your satellite hijacking system.

Natasha: I don’t use nerf weapons. Clean-up is YOUR problem.

Jane: I guess ANYTHING would be an improvement.

Nathasha: Remember you said that.

(Part two of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Jane: I’m going to MURDER you, Stark!

Tony: I SAID I was sorry! Before you even knew the problem!

Jane: It wasn’t even cute the FIRST time! Instantly tiresome!

Tony: Seriously! If the solution were a high-tech weapon, I’d have it to you in 48 hours. As it is, I got nothin’.

Jane: “PREPARE TO BE BORNE HEAVENWARD!” is NOT foreplay, Stark!

Tony: Huh… Mind if I use that with Steve?

Jane: NOT. HELPING.

——-

Jane: Pepper?

Pepper: WTH?? I am NOT everyone’s personal sex therapist! I get enough of this crap from Tony, but HE at least PAYS me.

Jane: But Pepper, it’s REALLY bad.

Pepper: NOT my problem. Ask Dr. Ruth.

Jane: SOMETHING BURSTS FORTH FROM LITTLE MJOLLNIR, BUT IT IS NOT LIGHTNING!

Pepper: Oh. Oh God. I’m SO sorry Jane. I had no idea…

Jane: I don’t know what to do!

Pepper: I’m not sure either, but give Tash a try.

Jane: Natasha? Really?

Pepper: If there’s a cure for the Male Sexual Ego, it lies in the mind of Black Widow.

(Part one of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Tony: pepper code light purple again

Tony: the fuck do I do

Pepper: What’s going on this time? Please dont tell me its another ASPCA commercial, we taked about those.

Tony: No it’s worse

Tony: so

Tony:much

Tony:worse

Pepper: Okay, calm down. What’s the matter?

Tony: oh god hes clinging to my arm HE’S A FUCKING SUPER SOLDIER OW THAT SMARTS.

Pepper: Tony, you’re going all Thor on me. Explain. What’s wrong?

Tony: were at the theatre and Steve is FREAKING OUT

Pepper: Scary movie?

Tony: not even! Its rated G for fucks sake!

Pepper: What’s he scared of?

Tony: the 3d effects, i think, he digs his nails into my arm every time it’s used.

Pepper: You took someone from the 40s to a 3D? Did you give him any warning?

Pepper: Never mind. I know you didn’t. Now put the armrest up and let him hide his face in your jacket and feed him gummy worms or whatever it is you superheroes do on dates.

Tony: help yourself to anything on my behalf. You know my credit information.

Pepper: You’re welcome, Tony.

Steve: So let me get this straight, the platform is IN the wall.

Pepper: Yes, exactly.

Steve: So, if only wizards can go through the wall, what about, like, objects?

Pepper: Well, everything goes with them.

Steve: Even the non-magical books and stuff?

Pepper: Sure.

Steve: That makes sense, cause they’re owned by the wizard. Okay, thanks!

-

Thor: THIS HAT OF SORTING DOES NOT ONLY BASE ITS DECISION ON WHAT IT BELIEVES IS THE RIGHTFUL PLACE, BUT ALSO TAKES INTO ACCOUNT YOUR TRUE WISHES AND DESIRES?

Pepper: Yeah, which is why Harry is in Gryffindor

Thor: I AM QUITE FASCINATED BY THESE ‘HOUSES.’ I FEEL THAT I WOULD BELONG IN THE HOUSE OF GRYFFINDOR

-

Steve: Pepper, why do Slytherin and Hufflepuff not have animal names in them, when Gryffindor and Ravenclaw do?

Pepper: I don’t know. I always thought Ravenclaw made the most sense, because ravens do actually have claws.

Pepper: Well, talons, but you get my point.

Steve: I do indeed. So, what house do you see yourself in?

Pepper: I haven’t really thought about it, to be honest.

Steve: I think you’d be in Ravenclaw. You’re really smart. Or maybe Gryffindor, because you have red hair and it takes a lot of guts to run Tony Stark’s company.

Pepper: That is really sweet of you, Steve. i see what Tony means about the apple pie thing.

-

Thor: I AM QUITE ENAMOURED OF THIS LUNA CHARACTER.

Pepper: I thought you would be. She seems like she would be a friend of yours.

Thor: IS THIS TALE BASED ON A TRUE OCCURRENCE?

Pepper: What, no! Oh, Thor. Thor, Thor, Thor. Has no one taught you what fiction is?