THOR, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!

Steve: I just finished watching Clockwork Orange…

Tony: Like I asked? Good. Enjoy it?

Steve: It scared me horribly. I think I might have nightmares from it.

Tony: Really? I like it.

Steve: You are sick.

Tony: True.

Tony: Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?

Steve: …

Tony: Well?

Steve: I’ll get my pillow.

—

Submitted by butmaddnessismorefun

(Source: theavengersshouldnttext)

Darcy: yo loki, you’ve been awwwwwfully quiet and therefore I deduce that you are up to something

Darcy: so spill, bro

Loki: I am plotting something…

Darcy: i get to be part of it you promised!

Loki: Yes, you will be a part of this one.

Darcy: YAY! now what will we be doooooiiinnnnnggg?

Loki: How do you think Thor would like it if his precious Adele’s coloring were to suddenly become that of my battle armor?

Darcy: you want to dye adele to match your reindeer getup?

Darcy: thats just cruel. 

Darcy: jk IM SO FUCKING IN. her ears can be your helmet.

(Source: theavengersshouldnttext)

Thor: OH, ANGRY GREEN ONE, I HAVE DISCOVERED A PHENOMENON MOST WONDERFUL.

Bruce: Okay, what is it?

Thor: IF ONE PLACES TWO SYMBOLS OF PUNCTUATION ADJACENT TO ONE ANOTHER, THE RESULT MIMICS FACIAL EXPRESSIONS.

Thor: :)

Thor: THIS ONE APPEARS TO BE CONTENT AND IS SMILING

Bruce: Yes Thor, I see, very nice

Thor: :D

Thor: :P

Thor: :S

Bruce: Okay…Thats enough…

Thor: I AM CURRENTLY EXPRESSING A FACE SIMILAR TO THIS ONE :( BECAUSE YOU DO NOT FIND THEM ENTERTAINING

Thor: I BELIEVED THEM TO BE QUITE ENTERTAINING

Bruce: Yes, but you’re overdoing it. Please stop

—

Bruce: dfhhdgfg

Tony: just text me when you’re done being a green rage monster

Bruce: Thank you…where am I?

Tony: On a beach, pepper’s on her way to you, she’s got clothes. what was it this time?

Bruce: Thor… He discovered emoticons…

Tony: Oh

Tony: okay well ill see you back at stark tower ;)

Bruce:…

Bruce: You are so lucky I have good control…

Tony: hey

Tony: hey

Tony: hey banner

Tony: (whale)

Bruce:…I hate you.

(submitted by ruraltruffle )

Steve: Bruce, are you alright? I heard a bang from your lab.

Steve: bruce its tony you better be hurt or something because you’re interrupting very importent buisnes you get me

Bruce: I dont know where to put this what is going on

Steve: Bruce? You alright? Im coming up, hold on

Bruce: No you’re not going to help unless you magically happen to know where screw 1394 goes or where hinge b has disappeared to

Steve: I dont understand

Steve: tony here, are you putting together a desk from ikea?

Steve: There was another crash, did you hulk?

Bruce: 37ehsdhxg fkdj

Steve: yup. ikea.

Rhodey: Yo, Tony! I stopped by, but Thor was on the couch butt-ass naked! His junk was pointed at the door and everything!

Tony: Sorry about that, rhodey. I’m sure that YOU were wearing pants. I don’t suppose they were MY PANTS THAT YOU STOLE?

Rhodey: Dude, when are you gonna let that go?

—

Tony: Thor, what’d I tell you about hanging out in the living room naked?

Thor: THE COOLNESS FROM YOUR CONDITIONER OF AIR IS PLEASING TO MY SKIN. *ALL* OF MY SKIN.

Tony: Ngah! Just….Put Little Mjolnir back in your pants, okay?

Thor: I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, THERE, MAN OF IRON. YOU HAVE USED A CUNNING METAPHOR TO REFER TO MY NETHER APPENDAGE.

Tony: Yeah, I’m cool that way. Look, could you just put on some pants? Before I get home…?

Thor: IT IS PARTICULARLY APT, SINCE MJOLNIR, TOO, BOASTS A SOLID SHAFT WITH A LARGE,IMPOSING HEAD. HA!

Tony: Stop texting me now.

Thor: BUT WHEN I GRIP IT AND WAVE IT ABOUT, IT IS JANE WHO IS BORNE HEAVENWARD! HAHA!

—

Tony: Dear God. I am SO. Sorry.

Jane: …what?

Tony: darcy what did you do

Darcy: I have no idea what youre talking about.

Tony: thors christmas gift

Darcy: theres no way I bought thor a bunny for christmas, i would never do that.
Tony: clearly you did.

Darcy: no, its christmas an hanukkah all at once. I felt like the big guy needed a big gift.

Tony: bullshit

Darcy: you never should have let me read that text. BOLDLY EATS CARROTS IN THE NIGHT. you knew this would happen.

Tony: if I knew this was coming I would have let you borrow the G6 for christmas.

Darcy: but i did you a solid. now hell be too busy with his new furry friend to wonder about how you and cap keep disappearing at night.

Tony: Keep the G6. merry christmas, lewis.

Darcy: happy hanukkah , santaperv.
—
Thor: DEAR LADY DARCY, HOW MAY I EXPRESS MY GRATITUDE?

Darcy: you dont need to buddy. just felt like giving you something nice for christmas

Thor: THIS BALL OF FUR IS HEARTY, SMALL, AND SPLENDID. HOW SHALL I NAME HER?

Darcy: well some people name their pets after famous people. performers and what have you.

Thor: LADY DARCY, YOU ARE AS WONDERFUL AS YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. I SHALL NAME HER IN HONOR OF THE ONE CALLED ADELE. I DO HOPE YOUR WINTER SOLSTICE IS BOUNTIFUL IN ENJOYABLE COPULATION AND VISITS FROM PAST SPIRITS AS SEEMS TO BE MIDGUARDIAN TRADITION.

Darcy: erm… thanks.

Submitted by brasspistol

Thor: MAN OF IRON, WOULD YOU PLEASE CONTACT HE OF FURY IMMEDIATELY.

Tony: why

Thor: I AM IN A PLACE, A JERSEY WHICH HAS BEEN RENEWED, AND THERE IS A STRANGE MAN REFERRING TO HIS CODPIECE AREAS AS A DANGEROUS PREDICAMENT.

Tony: …please tell me you don’t mean the situation

Thor: I BELIEVE HIM TO BE A DANGEROUS VILLAIN MAN OF IRON. I MAY BE IN NEED OF ASSISTANCE.

Submitted by lenorakp

Steve: Come on, Tony! Where’s your Christmas Spirit?

Tony: christmas is a day of spending invented by the man to keep us down

Steve: Now I know you don’t believe that. A secret Santa would be fun!

Tony: no, it wouldnt. everyone would either secretly hate their gift, publicly hate the gift, or get a gift they can use to hurt someone.

Steve: Tony… pleeeeeeeease?

Tony: im not falling for that again, last time you pulled that on me we had to have half of the roof replaced.

Steve: but Tonyyyyyyyy

Tony: No. and that is final.
-
Steve: Virginia, would you like to help me set up a secret Santa exchange?

Pepper: Call me Pepper. And Tony said to say no.

Steve: Please? I think it would be really fun!

Pepper: I’ll see what I can do.

Steve: Thank you!

(sorry for the lateness)

Darcy Lewis: Heyyyyy assface!

Darcy Lewis: Yo, douchebag!

Darcy Lewis: Mr. Anger Management~~

Darcy Lewis: Mr. Greenie Meanie

Darcy Lewis: YOU GIANT BAG OF DICKS

Bruce Banner: It’s not going to work, Lewis.

Darcy Lewis: and why not, Sir Twatwaffle?

Bruce Banner: Because sticks and stones may break my bones…

Darcy Lewis: Thor just finished all the hot chocolate

—

Tony Stark: Youre paying for bruce’s new phone

Darcy Lewis: I am so not

Tony Stark: Yes you so are

Darcy Lewis: You forget, I can get Thor drunk and send him over to yours anytime I want.

Tony Stark: So maybe i’ll see about getting bruce the newest starkphone

Tony Stark: jane come here and stop your oversized boyfriendchild from playing horror games

Jane Foster: Tony, he’s a big boy, not to mention a Norse god, I don’t think it will scare him.

Tony Stark: last time he played that stupid Amnesia dark whatever game he wouldn’t sleep alone for three weeks.

Tony Stark: thats a full three weeks with a fucking huge-ass dude in your bed.

Jane Foster: Last I checked, you liked having huge-ass men in your bed.

Tony Stark: I only like having huge-ass steve rogers in my bed

Tony Stark: or scrawny-ass steve rogers

Tony Stark: or half naked steve rogers

Tony Stark: or fully naked steve rogers

Jane Foster: OKAY, OKAY! Go get him to stop playing. Anything to make you STOP

Tony Stark: you’re just jeeeallllooouuuuuusssss cause i get to sleep with captain fucking americaaaa

Jane Foster: Jane is full of shit and I really want to see a caffeinated Thor deal with scary videogames. BY ALL MEANS LET HIM KEEP PLAYING :D ~Darcy

Tony Stark: That was some weeeeeird shit back there, thor…

Thor Odinson: I MERELY ATTEMPTED TO RID THE GOOD CAPTAIN OF HIS WOUNDS

Tony Stark: and you thought ‘singing’ would do this

Tony Stark: what even was that song?

Thor Odinson: IT WORKED FOR THE FAIR MAIDEN WITH THE GOLDEN LOCKS SIMILAR TO MY OWN. HOWEVER HER FLOWING TRESSES WERE MUCH LONGER THAN MY OWN.

Tony Stark: you took advice for battle from a disney movie?

Thor Odinson: THE MAIDEN WAS SUCCESSFUL

Thor Odinson: GOOD EVENING, LADY JANE.

Natasha Romanoff: I can’t stop thinking about you

Natasha Romanoff: Oh god, I want you so badly

Pepper Potts: Wrong number, I think.

Natasha Romanoff: Fuck. Sorry, Pepper.

Pepper Potts: It’s all right…

Natasha Romanoff: But, I mean, now that you’ve read that…. you up for it?

Pepper Potts: NATASHA!

Pepper Potts: I’m flattered, but no thank you.

Natasha Romanoff: You sure?

Pepper Potts: …….

Natasha Romanoff: Are you sure?

Pepper Potts:…I’ll be there in a half hour.