THOR, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!

Natasha: Hey stud. How soon can you be here?

Rhodey: Come on, baby! I got responsibilities. Air Force Colonel, War Machine… I can’t just drop it all everytime you want some fondue.

Natasha: Oh, we understand. Pepper and I can manage without you, I suppose.

Rhodey: I’m in the suit NOW, landing in 8 minutes, and the hole in the ceiling is YOUR problem.

——-

Jane: Thanks, I think?

Natasha: I live to serve. For a price.

Jane: What’d you do? He just sits there, knees locked together. Now and then he looks down at his lap and whimpers.

Natasha: I arranged for him to catch a glimpse of Rhodey at full mast.

Jane: So? Other guys nude never phased him before.

Natasha: Let’s just say, “It’s twue! It’s twue!” and leave it at that.

Jane: Oh.

Jane: OH! You weren’t kidding about clean-up, were you?

Natasha: YOUR problem.

Jane: You’re good. In a completely evil way.

Natasha: Tell you what. I’ll figure out the satellite hijacking system. You just pay Tony back for the hole in his living room ceiling.

Jane: …What?

(Part three of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Jane: I’m going to MURDER you, Stark!

Tony: I SAID I was sorry! Before you even knew the problem!

Jane: It wasn’t even cute the FIRST time! Instantly tiresome!

Tony: Seriously! If the solution were a high-tech weapon, I’d have it to you in 48 hours. As it is, I got nothin’.

Jane: “PREPARE TO BE BORNE HEAVENWARD!” is NOT foreplay, Stark!

Tony: Huh… Mind if I use that with Steve?

Jane: NOT. HELPING.

——-

Jane: Pepper?

Pepper: WTH?? I am NOT everyone’s personal sex therapist! I get enough of this crap from Tony, but HE at least PAYS me.

Jane: But Pepper, it’s REALLY bad.

Pepper: NOT my problem. Ask Dr. Ruth.

Jane: SOMETHING BURSTS FORTH FROM LITTLE MJOLLNIR, BUT IT IS NOT LIGHTNING!

Pepper: Oh. Oh God. I’m SO sorry Jane. I had no idea…

Jane: I don’t know what to do!

Pepper: I’m not sure either, but give Tash a try.

Jane: Natasha? Really?

Pepper: If there’s a cure for the Male Sexual Ego, it lies in the mind of Black Widow.

(Part one of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Tony: pepper code light purple again

Tony: the fuck do I do

Pepper: What’s going on this time? Please dont tell me its another ASPCA commercial, we taked about those.

Tony: No it’s worse

Tony: so

Tony:much

Tony:worse

Pepper: Okay, calm down. What’s the matter?

Tony: oh god hes clinging to my arm HE’S A FUCKING SUPER SOLDIER OW THAT SMARTS.

Pepper: Tony, you’re going all Thor on me. Explain. What’s wrong?

Tony: were at the theatre and Steve is FREAKING OUT

Pepper: Scary movie?

Tony: not even! Its rated G for fucks sake!

Pepper: What’s he scared of?

Tony: the 3d effects, i think, he digs his nails into my arm every time it’s used.

Pepper: You took someone from the 40s to a 3D? Did you give him any warning?

Pepper: Never mind. I know you didn’t. Now put the armrest up and let him hide his face in your jacket and feed him gummy worms or whatever it is you superheroes do on dates.

Tony: help yourself to anything on my behalf. You know my credit information.

Pepper: You’re welcome, Tony.

Steve: So let me get this straight, the platform is IN the wall.

Pepper: Yes, exactly.

Steve: So, if only wizards can go through the wall, what about, like, objects?

Pepper: Well, everything goes with them.

Steve: Even the non-magical books and stuff?

Pepper: Sure.

Steve: That makes sense, cause they’re owned by the wizard. Okay, thanks!

-

Thor: THIS HAT OF SORTING DOES NOT ONLY BASE ITS DECISION ON WHAT IT BELIEVES IS THE RIGHTFUL PLACE, BUT ALSO TAKES INTO ACCOUNT YOUR TRUE WISHES AND DESIRES?

Pepper: Yeah, which is why Harry is in Gryffindor

Thor: I AM QUITE FASCINATED BY THESE ‘HOUSES.’ I FEEL THAT I WOULD BELONG IN THE HOUSE OF GRYFFINDOR

-

Steve: Pepper, why do Slytherin and Hufflepuff not have animal names in them, when Gryffindor and Ravenclaw do?

Pepper: I don’t know. I always thought Ravenclaw made the most sense, because ravens do actually have claws.

Pepper: Well, talons, but you get my point.

Steve: I do indeed. So, what house do you see yourself in?

Pepper: I haven’t really thought about it, to be honest.

Steve: I think you’d be in Ravenclaw. You’re really smart. Or maybe Gryffindor, because you have red hair and it takes a lot of guts to run Tony Stark’s company.

Pepper: That is really sweet of you, Steve. i see what Tony means about the apple pie thing.

-

Thor: I AM QUITE ENAMOURED OF THIS LUNA CHARACTER.

Pepper: I thought you would be. She seems like she would be a friend of yours.

Thor: IS THIS TALE BASED ON A TRUE OCCURRENCE?

Pepper: What, no! Oh, Thor. Thor, Thor, Thor. Has no one taught you what fiction is?

Steve: Come on, Tony! Where’s your Christmas Spirit?

Tony: christmas is a day of spending invented by the man to keep us down

Steve: Now I know you don’t believe that. A secret Santa would be fun!

Tony: no, it wouldnt. everyone would either secretly hate their gift, publicly hate the gift, or get a gift they can use to hurt someone.

Steve: Tony… pleeeeeeeease?

Tony: im not falling for that again, last time you pulled that on me we had to have half of the roof replaced.

Steve: but Tonyyyyyyyy

Tony: No. and that is final.
-
Steve: Virginia, would you like to help me set up a secret Santa exchange?

Pepper: Call me Pepper. And Tony said to say no.

Steve: Please? I think it would be really fun!

Pepper: I’ll see what I can do.

Steve: Thank you!

(sorry for the lateness)

Tony Stark: Pepper, please don’t be angry. You know I care about you a lot.

Pepper Potts: It’s just hard, all right?

Pepper: You have no idea what it’s like, working for you.

Tony: I know, I make things ridiculously difficult and I’m pretty much impossible to deal with, but I try to make it up to you, you know that.

Pepper: That’s not what I meant.

Tony: If it’s not too forward, what did you mean?

Pepper: That, well, we used to have feelings for each other. Wait. WAIT. That was far too polite for Tony Stark.

Tony: Oh. Uh. I’ve got to go.

Pepper: WHAT, WHO IS THIS

Tony: ……..Fine. It’s Steve. I thought that maybe I could help. Tony is sulking like a petulant child.

Pepper: You repeat a word of this conversation and I will have you killed.

(Source: theavengersshouldnttext)

Anonymous asked: Does Tony have a snuggie? Is he possessive over it? Has anyone ever stolen his snuggie?

—-

Tony Stark: All right guys very funny. Where the fuck is my snuggie

Clint Barton: BAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA

—-

Tony Stark: All right guys very funny. Where the fuck is my snuggie

Pepper Potts: Your Iron Man Snuggie? 

Pepper: The last {and extremely unprofessional} place I recall seeing it was on the couch in your office at Stark Industries.

Tony: Well it’s not there now. and seriously have you ever known me to be professional

 —-

Tony Stark: All right guys very funny. Where the fuck is my snuggie

Thor Odinson: THE MIRACULOUSLY SOFT AND COMFORTABLE FABRIC TUNIC WITH THE IMAGE OF YOUR ARMOR SOMEHOW DYED INTO IT?

Tony: Yes, that would be it

Thor: I KNOW NOT ITS WHEREABOUTS

 —-

Tony Stark: All right guys very funny. Where the fuck is my snuggie

Natasha Romanoff: I was not aware you owned one of those…. things

Tony: Hey now don’t knock it till you try it

 —-

Tony Stark: All right guys very funny. Where the fuck is my snuggie

Darcy Lewis: You mean your IRON MAN SNUGGIE that I’ve been jealous of for like, months?

Tony: …yes

Darcy: Hmm. Let me think. Haven’t seen it. Nope. Not at all. Not even a little. Uh-uh.

Tony: oh god what are you doing with it

Darcy: Nothing

Darcy: Besides being warm and cozy

Darcy: And you’re not

Tony: i will be there in ten minutes and i will murder you.

 —-

{Okay, so maybe he gets a little possessive.}

(Source: theavengersshouldnttext)

Natasha Romanoff: I can’t stop thinking about you

Natasha Romanoff: Oh god, I want you so badly

Pepper Potts: Wrong number, I think.

Natasha Romanoff: Fuck. Sorry, Pepper.

Pepper Potts: It’s all right…

Natasha Romanoff: But, I mean, now that you’ve read that…. you up for it?

Pepper Potts: NATASHA!

Pepper Potts: I’m flattered, but no thank you.

Natasha Romanoff: You sure?

Pepper Potts: …….

Natasha Romanoff: Are you sure?

Pepper Potts:…I’ll be there in a half hour.

Tony Stark: pepper code light purple

Pepper Potts: What is it this time?

Tony Stark: hes crying 

Tony Stark: hes crying because of a commercial about sad animals the fuck do i do 

Pepper Potts: Calm down. He’s from the 40’s, did you expect him to be used to shock value television yet?

Tony Stark: HE IS CRYING ON MY SWEATER

Pepper Potts: HONESTLY

Tony Stark: MAKE IT STOP

Pepper Potts: JUST HOLD HIM, STARK

Tony Stark: donate at least 1000000$ to the ASPCA 

Tony Stark: so this NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN

Pepper Potts: Will that be all, Mr. Stark?

Tony Stark: Thank you ms potts

(Source: theavengersshouldnttext)

Pepper Potts: We don’t have a code light purple.

Tony Stark: red+while+blue=light purple.

Pepper Potts: I take it that you’re having some trouble, then?

Tony Stark: this cant be normal

Pepper Potts: What is he doing that can’t be normal?

Tony Stark: he just fell asleep on a very spacious bed while i was in it

Tony Stark: without sex 

Tony Stark: pepper do you UNDERSTAND he fell asleep on my bed without sex

Pepper Potts: Tony, shut up and cuddle like a man.