THOR, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!

Natasha: Hey stud. How soon can you be here?

Rhodey: Come on, baby! I got responsibilities. Air Force Colonel, War Machine… I can’t just drop it all everytime you want some fondue.

Natasha: Oh, we understand. Pepper and I can manage without you, I suppose.

Rhodey: I’m in the suit NOW, landing in 8 minutes, and the hole in the ceiling is YOUR problem.

——-

Jane: Thanks, I think?

Natasha: I live to serve. For a price.

Jane: What’d you do? He just sits there, knees locked together. Now and then he looks down at his lap and whimpers.

Natasha: I arranged for him to catch a glimpse of Rhodey at full mast.

Jane: So? Other guys nude never phased him before.

Natasha: Let’s just say, “It’s twue! It’s twue!” and leave it at that.

Jane: Oh.

Jane: OH! You weren’t kidding about clean-up, were you?

Natasha: YOUR problem.

Jane: You’re good. In a completely evil way.

Natasha: Tell you what. I’ll figure out the satellite hijacking system. You just pay Tony back for the hole in his living room ceiling.

Jane: …What?

(Part three of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Jane: Natasha, 911!

Natasha: I’ll be armed in 4 minutes. Who do I kill?

Jane: No! Not like that. I have this problem with Thor…

Natasha: Oh. Yeah, I can hear him. The curse of years of training my senses. Sucks for you.

Jane: Pepper thought you might be able to help.

Natasha: What’s in it for me?

Jane: I dunno. All my cute clothes?

Natasha: You wear jeans and flannels.

Jane: Fine. I’ll help you with your satellite hijacking system.

Natasha: I don’t use nerf weapons. Clean-up is YOUR problem.

Jane: I guess ANYTHING would be an improvement.

Nathasha: Remember you said that.

(Part two of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Jane: I’m going to MURDER you, Stark!

Tony: I SAID I was sorry! Before you even knew the problem!

Jane: It wasn’t even cute the FIRST time! Instantly tiresome!

Tony: Seriously! If the solution were a high-tech weapon, I’d have it to you in 48 hours. As it is, I got nothin’.

Jane: “PREPARE TO BE BORNE HEAVENWARD!” is NOT foreplay, Stark!

Tony: Huh… Mind if I use that with Steve?

Jane: NOT. HELPING.

——-

Jane: Pepper?

Pepper: WTH?? I am NOT everyone’s personal sex therapist! I get enough of this crap from Tony, but HE at least PAYS me.

Jane: But Pepper, it’s REALLY bad.

Pepper: NOT my problem. Ask Dr. Ruth.

Jane: SOMETHING BURSTS FORTH FROM LITTLE MJOLLNIR, BUT IT IS NOT LIGHTNING!

Pepper: Oh. Oh God. I’m SO sorry Jane. I had no idea…

Jane: I don’t know what to do!

Pepper: I’m not sure either, but give Tash a try.

Jane: Natasha? Really?

Pepper: If there’s a cure for the Male Sexual Ego, it lies in the mind of Black Widow.

(Part one of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Rhodey: Yo, Tony! I stopped by, but Thor was on the couch butt-ass naked! His junk was pointed at the door and everything!

Tony: Sorry about that, rhodey. I’m sure that YOU were wearing pants. I don’t suppose they were MY PANTS THAT YOU STOLE?

Rhodey: Dude, when are you gonna let that go?

—

Tony: Thor, what’d I tell you about hanging out in the living room naked?

Thor: THE COOLNESS FROM YOUR CONDITIONER OF AIR IS PLEASING TO MY SKIN. *ALL* OF MY SKIN.

Tony: Ngah! Just….Put Little Mjolnir back in your pants, okay?

Thor: I SEE WHAT YOU HAVE DONE, THERE, MAN OF IRON. YOU HAVE USED A CUNNING METAPHOR TO REFER TO MY NETHER APPENDAGE.

Tony: Yeah, I’m cool that way. Look, could you just put on some pants? Before I get home…?

Thor: IT IS PARTICULARLY APT, SINCE MJOLNIR, TOO, BOASTS A SOLID SHAFT WITH A LARGE,IMPOSING HEAD. HA!

Tony: Stop texting me now.

Thor: BUT WHEN I GRIP IT AND WAVE IT ABOUT, IT IS JANE WHO IS BORNE HEAVENWARD! HAHA!

—

Tony: Dear God. I am SO. Sorry.

Jane: …what?

Tony Stark: jane come here and stop your oversized boyfriendchild from playing horror games

Jane Foster: Tony, he’s a big boy, not to mention a Norse god, I don’t think it will scare him.

Tony Stark: last time he played that stupid Amnesia dark whatever game he wouldn’t sleep alone for three weeks.

Tony Stark: thats a full three weeks with a fucking huge-ass dude in your bed.

Jane Foster: Last I checked, you liked having huge-ass men in your bed.

Tony Stark: I only like having huge-ass steve rogers in my bed

Tony Stark: or scrawny-ass steve rogers

Tony Stark: or half naked steve rogers

Tony Stark: or fully naked steve rogers

Jane Foster: OKAY, OKAY! Go get him to stop playing. Anything to make you STOP

Tony Stark: you’re just jeeeallllooouuuuuusssss cause i get to sleep with captain fucking americaaaa

Jane Foster: Jane is full of shit and I really want to see a caffeinated Thor deal with scary videogames. BY ALL MEANS LET HIM KEEP PLAYING :D ~Darcy

Thor Odinson: GOOD EVENING, LADY JANE.

Thor Odinson: GREETINGS JANE, I AM HAVING A WONDERFUL EXPERIENCE IN THE LARGE,CAVERNOUS MANSION OF THE MAN OF IRON

Jane Foster: Thor, has someone given you drugs?

Thor Odinson: NO, I AM HOWEVER QUITE ENAMOURED BY THIS MIDGARDIAN ALCHOLIC BEVERAGE THAT MAN WITH THE EYE SIMILAR TO THAT OF A HAWK KEEPS IN ABUNDANCE

Jane Foster: Does this warrant calling child services?