THOR, PUT YOUR PANTS BACK ON!

Tony: oh christ we’ve got a situation

Natasha: Oh god, what did you do now?

Tony: it’s not what i did, it’s what bruce did, jesus fuck he’s hulked out in the kitchen and…

Natasha: Jesus, Tony, WHAT?

Tony: and he’s crying

Natasha: Let me get this straight… the Hulk is crying?

Tony: yep. because there is no more ice cream in the freezer. he’s eaten it all.

Natasha: Jesus christ.

Tony: oh god, he just said HULK WANT MORE COOKIES AND CREAM

Tony: i have literally never heard anything more hilarious in my life

Natasha: shit, what are we even supposed to do in this situation

Tony: you heard the man, more cookies and cream

Tony: shit, i’m crying laughing

(for the lovely muffinthemighty)

avengemebaby:

The cast of The Avengers as sloths:

FROM LEFT TO RIGHT: 

Bruce Banner (the Hulk), Clint Barton (Hawkeye), Natasha Romanoff (Black Widow),  Thor Odinson (God of Thunder), Steve Rogers (Captain America), Tony Stark (Iron Man), Loki Laufeyson (God of Mischief), Nicholas Fury (S.H.I.E.L.D Director), Philip Coulson (S.H.I.E.L.D Operative), Pepper Potts (CEO of Stark Industries).

BONUS:

LOKI’D!!

Tony!mod made this, it is brilliant, no?

I HAVE HAD IT WITH YOU MOTHER****ING AVENGERS SLEEPING LATE, YOU ALL ARE AS GOOD AS SLOTHS TO ME SOMETIMES

Nick Fury

S.H.I.E.L.D Director

(via ohh-young-blood)

Part 1 of ??? from the anonymous prompt “Pick-up lines!!!”

Steve:  Hey, Natasha. Can I run something by you?
Natasha:  Um. Depends. Is it legal?
Steve:  Of course it is! What kind of person do you think I am?
Natasha:  Oh yeah, apple pie and integrity and all that. Anyway, what do you need?
Steve:  Do you think this would work on Tony?
Natasha:  NO OH GOD I DO NOT WANT TO SEE A PICTURE OF YOUR STAR SPANGLED JUNK
Steve:  “Did it hurt?” then he’d say “what?” and I’d say “When you fell from heaven.”
Natasha:  oh steve. oh honey.
Natasha:  that was maybe worse than a dick pic
Steve:  What did I do wrong?
Steve:  And what the hell is a dick pic?
Natasha:  A better question would probably be what DIDN’T you do wrong
Natasha:  and trust me, you really don’t want to know

Natasha: Hey stud. How soon can you be here?

Rhodey: Come on, baby! I got responsibilities. Air Force Colonel, War Machine… I can’t just drop it all everytime you want some fondue.

Natasha: Oh, we understand. Pepper and I can manage without you, I suppose.

Rhodey: I’m in the suit NOW, landing in 8 minutes, and the hole in the ceiling is YOUR problem.

——-

Jane: Thanks, I think?

Natasha: I live to serve. For a price.

Jane: What’d you do? He just sits there, knees locked together. Now and then he looks down at his lap and whimpers.

Natasha: I arranged for him to catch a glimpse of Rhodey at full mast.

Jane: So? Other guys nude never phased him before.

Natasha: Let’s just say, “It’s twue! It’s twue!” and leave it at that.

Jane: Oh.

Jane: OH! You weren’t kidding about clean-up, were you?

Natasha: YOUR problem.

Jane: You’re good. In a completely evil way.

Natasha: Tell you what. I’ll figure out the satellite hijacking system. You just pay Tony back for the hole in his living room ceiling.

Jane: …What?

(Part three of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Jane: Natasha, 911!

Natasha: I’ll be armed in 4 minutes. Who do I kill?

Jane: No! Not like that. I have this problem with Thor…

Natasha: Oh. Yeah, I can hear him. The curse of years of training my senses. Sucks for you.

Jane: Pepper thought you might be able to help.

Natasha: What’s in it for me?

Jane: I dunno. All my cute clothes?

Natasha: You wear jeans and flannels.

Jane: Fine. I’ll help you with your satellite hijacking system.

Natasha: I don’t use nerf weapons. Clean-up is YOUR problem.

Jane: I guess ANYTHING would be an improvement.

Nathasha: Remember you said that.

(Part two of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Jane: I’m going to MURDER you, Stark!

Tony: I SAID I was sorry! Before you even knew the problem!

Jane: It wasn’t even cute the FIRST time! Instantly tiresome!

Tony: Seriously! If the solution were a high-tech weapon, I’d have it to you in 48 hours. As it is, I got nothin’.

Jane: “PREPARE TO BE BORNE HEAVENWARD!” is NOT foreplay, Stark!

Tony: Huh… Mind if I use that with Steve?

Jane: NOT. HELPING.

——-

Jane: Pepper?

Pepper: WTH?? I am NOT everyone’s personal sex therapist! I get enough of this crap from Tony, but HE at least PAYS me.

Jane: But Pepper, it’s REALLY bad.

Pepper: NOT my problem. Ask Dr. Ruth.

Jane: SOMETHING BURSTS FORTH FROM LITTLE MJOLLNIR, BUT IT IS NOT LIGHTNING!

Pepper: Oh. Oh God. I’m SO sorry Jane. I had no idea…

Jane: I don’t know what to do!

Pepper: I’m not sure either, but give Tash a try.

Jane: Natasha? Really?

Pepper: If there’s a cure for the Male Sexual Ego, it lies in the mind of Black Widow.

(Part one of three)

(Submitted by itdoesn’tneedaname)

Thor: THE SMALL BOXES FROM THE LAND OF THE GLOWING SILVER FRUIT

Natasha: Well played. Do you want a white one or a black one?

(Source: theavengersshouldnttext)

Anonymous asked: Does Tony have a snuggie? Is he possessive over it? Has anyone ever stolen his snuggie?

—-

Tony Stark: All right guys very funny. Where the fuck is my snuggie

Clint Barton: BAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA

—-

Tony Stark: All right guys very funny. Where the fuck is my snuggie

Pepper Potts: Your Iron Man Snuggie? 

Pepper: The last {and extremely unprofessional} place I recall seeing it was on the couch in your office at Stark Industries.

Tony: Well it’s not there now. and seriously have you ever known me to be professional

 —-

Tony Stark: All right guys very funny. Where the fuck is my snuggie

Thor Odinson: THE MIRACULOUSLY SOFT AND COMFORTABLE FABRIC TUNIC WITH THE IMAGE OF YOUR ARMOR SOMEHOW DYED INTO IT?

Tony: Yes, that would be it

Thor: I KNOW NOT ITS WHEREABOUTS

 —-

Tony Stark: All right guys very funny. Where the fuck is my snuggie

Natasha Romanoff: I was not aware you owned one of those…. things

Tony: Hey now don’t knock it till you try it

 —-

Tony Stark: All right guys very funny. Where the fuck is my snuggie

Darcy Lewis: You mean your IRON MAN SNUGGIE that I’ve been jealous of for like, months?

Tony: …yes

Darcy: Hmm. Let me think. Haven’t seen it. Nope. Not at all. Not even a little. Uh-uh.

Tony: oh god what are you doing with it

Darcy: Nothing

Darcy: Besides being warm and cozy

Darcy: And you’re not

Tony: i will be there in ten minutes and i will murder you.

 —-

{Okay, so maybe he gets a little possessive.}

(Source: theavengersshouldnttext)

Natasha Romanoff: I can’t stop thinking about you

Natasha Romanoff: Oh god, I want you so badly

Pepper Potts: Wrong number, I think.

Natasha Romanoff: Fuck. Sorry, Pepper.

Pepper Potts: It’s all right…

Natasha Romanoff: But, I mean, now that you’ve read that…. you up for it?

Pepper Potts: NATASHA!

Pepper Potts: I’m flattered, but no thank you.

Natasha Romanoff: You sure?

Pepper Potts: …….

Natasha Romanoff: Are you sure?

Pepper Potts:…I’ll be there in a half hour.

Clint Barton: Shit shit shit abort mission. Tony stepped on your dagger.

Natasha Romanoff: FUCK! I told you this was a bad idea! If you wanted to see how much stab wounds would hurt Thor, you could have just asked. I’m sure he would have let you try.

Clint Barton: Nat, its too late to go back. You just have to come clean and then maybe Steve wont kill us.

Natasha Romanoff: What do I have to come clean about? It was your idea!

Clint Barton: ITS YOUR DAGGER

Natasha Romanoff: Don’t even try to pin this on me.